That’s me in pink.  This was taken a couple of months ago at my daughter’s bridal shower.  I am with my aunt, my daughter, my cousin and her daughter, and my sister.  I’m fat. That is not a criticism of myself.  I’ve been heavy, a big girl, or fat for most of my adult life.  But I’ve always been healthy fat.  I know there are many who believe that’s not possible but it can be done.  I was an athlete in high school and I have always been pretty active, even if it was to prove the fat girl stereotype wrong.  I’m strong.  I eat pretty healthy.  I understand nutrition and continually educate myself.  I really was a healthy fat person.  I had gained and lost weight over the years but pretty much maintained my weight as a large person.  I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t want to lose weight but I was ok being who I was.  But about 5 years ago, things got out of control.

I was going to dance fitness classes and Zumba and on a healthy eating plan.  I went to these classes almost every day.  I had lost about 60 pounds.  Then I messed up my knee and had to have surgery.  Then I had a hysterectomy.  If you are not already aware, a hysterectomy throws you right into menopause.  Thankfully I didn’t have all the hormonal stuff – no hot flashes or mood swings – but, lucky me, I did get to experience the slowed metabolism and weight gain.  I stopped dancing and I ate whatever I wanted.

Then I discovered I had an incisional hernia from the hysterectomy surgery.  This required an additional abdominal surgery to repair the hernia.  The recovery for that was even worse than the hysterectomy.  There were some complications and it really took about 8 months before I felt “normal” again.  But I didn’t really feel normal at all.

I had become lazy and ate whatever I wanted.  I like healthy food and continued to eat healthy but I just didn’t care about how much and I didn’t push away from the bad stuff.  I started gaining pounds.  My body started to FEEL heavy.  I had never FELT the heaviness before in my life.  My knees hurt.  I was tired.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I didn’t feel like it.  So I didn’t.

I had built a new house in a neighborhood with a sidewalk.  I told myself I would walk more.  The lies we tell ourselves!  The stairs in my new house are pretty steep.  I curse them every time I climb them.  I’m working from home now so my movement is even less than before.  I gained more weight.

Then I had a couple of things happen.  First, I had a cancer scare.  I had an abnormal pap that showed pre-cancerous cells.  Shhhhhh – no one but a few family members and friends know about this.  I guess it’s out now.  I have been in treatment for almost a year now and the last exam showed no cancer but we are waiting for some lab results to confirm.  Yay.  A cancer scare, even a minor one, will wake you up and make you think about your mortality real quick.

Secondly, I was told I have Hepatic Steatosis – Fatty Liver Disease.  It’s common in obese people and can only be reversed by losing weight, specifically by reducing fat in the diet and exercising.  If not addressed, it could lead to liver cancer or a need for a liver transplant.  Well, that just sucks.  I tried to pretty much ignore it for a few months.  I love my doctor who gently asked if I had considered surgery.  I explained I was wary of surgery after recent experiences but I also knew that I would still have to diet and exercise so if I have to do that anyway, I would prefer to do it on my own without surgery.  He was very supportive, saying “You are smart and know what to do, you can do it.”  But my labs from last month showed elevated liver enzymes and triglycerides.  Dammit.  Recommendation – Low fat for the liver and low carb for the triglycerides – I guess I will only be able to eat vegetables from here on out.  I love vegetables but I cannot be a vegetarian.  Much respect to my many friends who are, I just can’t.

So it’s time to put my big girl panties on and do something.  So, very pissed off, I started to figure this out.  On Wednesday, I started my research.  I have to research and put a plan together.  It motivates me and gives me something to focus on.  I learned on the Today Show this week about The Blue Zones Solution by Dan Buettner.  It’s an extremely interesting book/project about the world’s longest living people in 5 different areas of the world.  One of the things leading to their longevity is the way they eat – mostly plant based, local, fresh, real food.

I went back to Myfitnesspal.com and re-downloaded the app. It works for me and keeps me accountable. I went to the grocery store and bought fruits, vegetables, chicken, non-fat greek yogurt and whole grains.  I ordered The Blue Zone book.  I researched ways to improve liver enzymes through food and healthy methods.  I ordered some turmeric. I added more beans to my pantry.  I was still mad and still defiant about the whole thing but if I must do it, I was ready.

On Thursday afternoon, I told my daughter I was back on a diet.  I don’t really like that term but it’s easy to use in conversation.  She said to me, “All this year I have tried to get you to join me in my diet and you just kept saying NOPE, thanks Mom!” She called me out.  I got a little petulant and said “I know. It’s hard. I hate it! I hate it and I don’t want to do it! It’s hard! You have to be prepared. You have to cook all the time.  It’s hard.”  She countered with “You just find healthy recipes like on skinnytaste.com or Pinterest and it’s not hard.”  I explained the reasons why I must do this now.  And then I reiterated “It’s hard and I hate it!  But I stayed within my calories yesterday and today and I’m doing it.”

I am better today.  I might have been hungry when I said all that.  I am accepting now, or maybe just resigned.  I’m starting slow with a goal of 1 pound lost per week.  I’m determined to go up and down my steep stairs at least 5 times a day.  I made it 3 times today so far.  If I don’t fall down those steep things, maybe they can be used to make me healthy.  And today I added yoga. I used to hate yoga, then I learned a better way of doing yoga and loved it.  I did 40 minutes of an Amazon Prime video for beginners today and was not loving it at all.  Yoga for big girls is different than yoga for skinny girls.  I decided to find an online resource with videos for yoga for plus sized women.  I did and actually found two – Curvy Yoga and Body Positive Yoga.  I think I’m going to love yoga again.

My journey is just beginning.  I’m sure I will write about it here.  Because it really is hard.    And I don’t like it.  But I’m going to do it.