I was scrolling through my Facebook feed yesterday and ran across this essay entitled “10 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Becoming A Widow on the Today Show Facebook Page.  This type of thing always catches my attention because, well, I’m a widow.  I don’t use that word except on legal documents but I will get into that later.  So I stopped to read.  This was a good one.  Sheryl Sandberg of Facebook also did one of the best descriptions I’ve seen of the real feelings one has when your spouse dies.   And as I always do, I started thinking about my own list – what would I tell people about the reality of the W word and all that goes along with it?  What is the TRUTH?  Do people really want to know?

Some background – it was 2001 and my husband Gary and I had been married for 20 years.  Well, actually just short of 20 years.  He died on June 3rd and our 20th anniversary would have been on June 20th so I just say 20 years when someone asks.  We had 2 children.  My son Zack had just turned 15 two weeks before and my daughter Casey was 11.  Gary died of a heart attack at home when the kids and I were away at my parents for the week.  It was horrible and I would never wish that on anyone.

So what would my Need To Know for Widows be?  I have thought a lot about this for the last 16 years and I do know that I come up with something different every time I think about it so I decided to write down just some of my thoughts.

1. Death Sucks No Matter How One Dies – People have asked about the way Gary died (death makes people say both incredibly kind and naively stupid things).  “Do you wish you had been able to say goodbye?”  No, I wish I didn’t HAVE to say goodbye.  My mom died over a period of 5 years, struggling with breast cancer.  Neither was harder or easier, they were both awful.
2. People Don’t Know What To Do – Because everyone handles death differently, people don’t know what to say to you or to do when they see you.  I know widows who cry uncontrollably when they run into friends and who need constant support.    I know others who talked constantly about their spouse to the point it made people uncomfortable.  Others don’t want to talk about the person at all.  Be patient with people.  They care about you.  The people that I appreciated the most were the ones who just asked “How are you doing?”.  Yes, of course, there were times I wanted to yell “How the hell do you THINK I’m doing?” but I didn’t.  I just answered as best I could, usually saying something like, “We are ok, just learning a new normal.”  You will find what works for you.
3. Nothing is Normal – I just wanted things to be normal.  I wanted my normal life with my normal work life, with my normal kids and my normal family.  NOTHING was normal.  I wanted people to treat me normally rather than like a broken doll.  I hated the look of pity on their faces even though I knew it came from a good place.  I wanted to go through the grocery store without seeing all the shiny, happy people who didn’t seem to have any idea that my husband had just died.  How could they walk around with all that normalcy?  The smell of flowers brought back reminders of the funeral home.  I just wanted to be able to smell flowers without thinking about all that.  And then, slowly, there came a new normal.  It was never the same but it was still mostly beautiful and good.  Our lives had changed forever.  We just created our new normal and it works for us.
4. The First Year Is The Worst – All year long, there were reminders of things we had done the previous year.  Trips, photos of random stuff, decorating for Christmas, holidays, etc. were all reminders of the times we had together as a family.  Unexpected things like getting my detailed cell phone bill the following month and seeing all the calls to his phone the night he died.  You could trace the timing of the calls right up to the time a friend went to the house to check on him.  I could feel the whole thing happening all over again.  The days leading up to the 1st anniversary of his death were anxiety filled and full of the memories of how unaware we were of the tragedy to come.  And then, the anniversary of his death was here.  And then it passed.  And we were ok.  And it was still hard.  But it got better.  Different, still hard, but easier each year.  But that first year was the worst.
5. Your Real Friends Know What You Need – Once when I was traveling for work, my daughter was supposed to call me when she got home from school.  She didn’t.  I couldn’t find her and I was panicking, driving in another state, crying.  I called my friend Kay, saying I couldn’t deal with this, I was going to have to quit traveling, my kids needed me and I wasn’t there.  She quietly listened to me freak out and then very calmly said, “I need you to do something for me.  I need you to say the F word 10 times.  Right now, say it.”  And I did.  10 times.  And it felt better.  It really did.  And then my daughter called to let me know she was home and everything was ok.  Thank you Kay.
6. Your Kids and His Family Are Hurting Too – I lost my best friend.  My kids lost their Dad.  His mom said to me once, “You lost your husband but you can get married again.  I lost my son and I can never replace him.”  I was mad about that at the time because I felt like we were in a grieving war but I also knew that no parent should ever go through losing a child.  I felt like whenever I took my kids to visit his family, we were just a reminder that he was gone.  I knew they wanted to see their grandchildren but he was missing.  I had to get over myself and my grief so I could be there for his family.  Same with my kids.  At one point, I had to force them to go to counseling and it really helped my daughter.  But I first had to admit that what I was doing to support them wasn’t helping them.  They were teenagers and that’s hard enough.  Teenagers who had lost their dad was sometimes far too much for a parent to handle.  So even though you lost your husband, other people lost him too and you have to figure out how to help them through it.
7. Don’t Worry About The Widow Word – As I said, I pretty much hate the W word.  I have never liked labels.  I don’t like referring to myself as a Widow.  It creates an image in someone’s mind of who I am and that image is rarely correct.  I had to make peace with the fact that I am a Widow.  When you first met people, the easy small talk question always asked is “Are you married?”.  I would apologetically stumble through “Well, my husband passed away a few months/years ago” because I had identified as Married for so long and to say anything else felt like it negated all those years of happiness. And I didn’t have a choice in not being married anymore. But pretty much instantly, it made people uncomfortable.  I have tried a couple of things over the years.  But mostly, when asked if I am married, I just say “No”.  Then I ask questions about the other person.  I can still talk about my kids and tell stories as I get to know the person.  If it comes up in conversation that my husband passed away or if they ask, it is just part of the conversation, not the beginning of the conversation creating an awkward start.
8. Your Spouse Was Human, Remember Them That Way – Gary was a human with all the faults of any man.  He could make me madder than anyone.  He was messy and left a trail of clothes, newspapers, and cigarette ashes everywhere.  He drank, sometimes too much.  But he was a GOOD man.  He tried to be a better man.  He loved me and our kids unconditionally and he was a true partner in every sense of the word.  He was my best friend but he wasn’t perfect.  After people die, it seems we only see them through rose colored glasses.  We stop talking about the bad things we used to complain to our girlfriends about.  Why?  Let’s be real.  Let them be real.  I watched family members put up pictures of Gary where none had been and who had previously criticized his bad habits make excuses for him after he died.  It felt so hypocritical.  He would have laughed at that person.  And what if you were angry at your spouse?  What if your marriage wasn’t in a good place?  The hard reality is that nothing can be changed.  It is what it is.  This is not a movie.  There is nothing that forces you into accepting that you cannot change things like someone dying in the middle of a relationship in trouble.  But it can help you learn a lot about yourself and your responsibility in the situation and you CAN grow from it.
9. Your Spouse Will Be A Part Of Your Life For A Long Time – Over time, things come up that bring him back into parts of our lives.  Even many years later.  We talk to my grandson about his Poppy that he never met.  He knows he was a Firefighter.  He knows his Poppy loved to fish.  My grandson doesn’t completely understand but he does know that his Mommy’s Daddy was loved by us all.  A few days after my husband passed away, my 11 year old daughter caught me in the kitchen.  She looked at me with her big blue eyes and said, “Who is going to walk me down the aisle when I get married?”  I immediately teared up and choked out “I’m not sure honey, I guess we will figure it out when the time comes”.  I thought that was a long time away with lots of life changes in between.  Now 27, she got married last week.  It’s been 16 years since he died.  She asked her Uncle Greg, my brother-in-law, to walk her down the aisle.  He wore a button with her dad’s picture on his lapel.  She wore her dad’s retired firefighter badge inside her dress and the same button with his picture pinned to her bouquet.  I believe her dad was there to walk her down the aisle.
10. You Will Be Happy Again – It doesn’t feel like it will ever happen but it will.  Everyone says it.  And it really is true.  Early on, you will laugh and catch yourself.  It will surprise you.  My dear brother made me laugh several times the day of the funeral.  We were not being disrespectful, it’s the way he shows love, stuff was funny, and it was more helpful than you can imagine.  My kids and I have come a long way and it was hard.  But we always laughed and talked about the good times with their dad.  And we made new memories and laughed some more.  I wish they had been able to grow up with their dad.  But really, life was happy with some sad times, just like kids who DID grow up with their dad in their lives.  And that makes me happy.