Category: Authentic Living

It’s Hard, I Don’t Like It

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Casey_bridal shower-6621That’s me in pink.  This was taken a couple of months ago at my daughter’s bridal shower.  I am with my aunt, my daughter, my cousin and her daughter, and my sister.  I’m fat. That is not a criticism of myself.  I’ve been heavy, a big girl, or fat for most of my adult life.  But I’ve always been healthy fat.  I know there are many who believe that’s not possible but it can be done.  I was an athlete in high school and I have always been pretty active, even if it was to prove the fat girl stereotype wrong.  I’m strong.  I eat pretty healthy.  I understand nutrition and continually educate myself.  I really was a healthy fat person.  I had gained and lost weight over the years but pretty much maintained my weight as a large person.  I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t want to lose weight but I was ok being who I was.  But about 5 years ago, things got out of control.

I was going to dance fitness classes and Zumba and on a healthy eating plan.  I went to these classes almost every day.  I had lost about 60 pounds.  Then I messed up my knee and had to have surgery.  Then I had a hysterectomy.  If you are not already aware, a hysterectomy throws you right into menopause.  Thankfully I didn’t have all the hormonal stuff – no hot flashes or mood swings – but, lucky me, I did get to experience the slowed metabolism and weight gain.  I stopped dancing and I ate whatever I wanted.

Then I discovered I had an incisional hernia from the hysterectomy surgery.  This required an additional abdominal surgery to repair the hernia.  The recovery for that was even worse than the hysterectomy.  There were some complications and it really took about 8 months before I felt “normal” again.  But I didn’t really feel normal at all.

I had become lazy and ate whatever I wanted.  I like healthy food and continued to eat healthy but I just didn’t care about how much and I didn’t push away from the bad stuff.  I started gaining pounds.  My body started to FEEL heavy.  I had never FELT the heaviness before in my life.  My knees hurt.  I was tired.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I didn’t feel like it.  So I didn’t.

I had built a new house in a neighborhood with a sidewalk.  I told myself I would walk more.  The lies we tell ourselves!  The stairs in my new house are pretty steep.  I curse them every time I climb them.  I’m working from home now so my movement is even less than before.  I gained more weight.

Then I had a couple of things happen.  First, I had a cancer scare.  I had an abnormal pap that showed pre-cancerous cells.  Shhhhhh – no one but a few family members and friends know about this.  I guess it’s out now.  I have been in treatment for almost a year now and the last exam showed no cancer but we are waiting for some lab results to confirm.  Yay.  A cancer scare, even a minor one, will wake you up and make you think about your mortality real quick.

Secondly, I was told I have Hepatic Steatosis – Fatty Liver Disease.  It’s common in obese people and can only be reversed by losing weight, specifically by reducing fat in the diet and exercising.  If not addressed, it could lead to liver cancer or a need for a liver transplant.  Well, that just sucks.  I tried to pretty much ignore it for a few months.  I love my doctor who gently asked if I had considered surgery.  I explained I was wary of surgery after recent experiences but I also knew that I would still have to diet and exercise so if I have to do that anyway, I would prefer to do it on my own without surgery.  He was very supportive, saying “You are smart and know what to do, you can do it.”  But my labs from last month showed elevated liver enzymes and triglycerides.  Dammit.  Recommendation – Low fat for the liver and low carb for the triglycerides – I guess I will only be able to eat vegetables from here on out.  I love vegetables but I cannot be a vegetarian.  Much respect to my many friends who are, I just can’t.

So it’s time to put my big girl panties on and do something.  So, very pissed off, I started to figure this out.  On Wednesday, I started my research.  I have to research and put a plan together.  It motivates me and gives me something to focus on.  I learned on the Today Show this week about The Blue Zones Solution by Dan Buettner.  It’s an extremely interesting book/project about the world’s longest living people in 5 different areas of the world.  One of the things leading to their longevity is the way they eat – mostly plant based, local, fresh, real food.

I went back to Myfitnesspal.com and re-downloaded the app. It works for me and keeps me accountable. I went to the grocery store and bought fruits, vegetables, chicken, non-fat greek yogurt and whole grains.  I ordered The Blue Zone book.  I researched ways to improve liver enzymes through food and healthy methods.  I ordered some turmeric. I added more beans to my pantry.  I was still mad and still defiant about the whole thing but if I must do it, I was ready.

On Thursday afternoon, I told my daughter I was back on a diet.  I don’t really like that term but it’s easy to use in conversation.  She said to me, “All this year I have tried to get you to join me in my diet and you just kept saying NOPE, thanks Mom!” She called me out.  I got a little petulant and said “I know. It’s hard. I hate it! I hate it and I don’t want to do it! It’s hard! You have to be prepared. You have to cook all the time.  It’s hard.”  She countered with “You just find healthy recipes like on skinnytaste.com or Pinterest and it’s not hard.”  I explained the reasons why I must do this now.  And then I reiterated “It’s hard and I hate it!  But I stayed within my calories yesterday and today and I’m doing it.”

I am better today.  I might have been hungry when I said all that.  I am accepting now, or maybe just resigned.  I’m starting slow with a goal of 1 pound lost per week.  I’m determined to go up and down my steep stairs at least 5 times a day.  I made it 3 times today so far.  If I don’t fall down those steep things, maybe they can be used to make me healthy.  And today I added yoga. I used to hate yoga, then I learned a better way of doing yoga and loved it.  I did 40 minutes of an Amazon Prime video for beginners today and was not loving it at all.  Yoga for big girls is different than yoga for skinny girls.  I decided to find an online resource with videos for yoga for plus sized women.  I did and actually found two – Curvy Yoga and Body Positive Yoga.  I think I’m going to love yoga again.

My journey is just beginning.  I’m sure I will write about it here.  Because it really is hard.    And I don’t like it.  But I’m going to do it.

When I grow up I want to be just like . . .

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. . . Me!  These are some of the women I admire – Stevie Nicks, Carrie Fisher, Edna Lewis, and Iris Apfel.  Some I have admired a long time and some are new to me.   Some have had struggles in life and overcome them, growing into themselves as they aged.  Others always knew who they were, learning more and growing as they aged and lived their lives authentically.  I would not say they didn’t care what others thought about them.  But I would say they knew who they were and succeeded in spite of others who tried to change them.

I have been thinking about them a lot lately.  I think we all hit a point in our 40’s or 50’s that we reflect on who we are.  Did I become the person I thought I would be?  Do I like who I have become?  What is next for me?  Because if you feel you need to change some things in your life, now might be the time to decide what your next move might be since you are coming to the end of your second 1/3 portion of your life.  You know, the first 30 years, the second 30 years, etc.  We have time to live our authentic life but  I think it takes a little experimentation to see where your comfort level really truly lies.

m_stevie-nicks-70sTake for example, Stevie Nicks – a member of the band Fleetwood Mac, songwriter, singer, fashion icon, bohemian goddess, free spirit.

I first saw Fleetwood Mac in concert in 1977 in the Washington DC area.  Stevie fascinated me.  Forget that her name was Stevie, so cool.  As she floated around the stage in her black top hat and flowing sleeves and layers of lace and skirts, twirling, lost in the music, I wanted to be her.  Stevie Nicks is my spirit animal.  To this day, inside, I am Stevie Nicks in 1977.

But, truth is, I’m nothing like her.  I would say my true fashion style is more bohemian than anything, and there are touches of that, but I have always worked in a professional environment and I am a plus size woman.  So I have spent a lot of time buying more traditional clothing and whatever was available in plus sizes within my budget.  And while I’m not afraid to experiment, I’m lazy.  Yoga pants or jeans are fine with me and now that I work from home, I own a lot of t-shirts and sweaters because, why not?  I think if you ask anyone that knows me what my style would be, they would not be able to tell you.

So where is my comfort level with this?  I don’t know.  I need to figure that out as a part of this ongoing reflection.  So do I stop being practical and buy only clothing I love?  Cause I would love to rock a black top hat every day but I’m not going to do it.  I actually almost ordered one on Amazon a few months ago and then thought better of it.  So am I authentically practical and lazy or should I try to live authentically the way I am in my head, like Stevie?   I’ll get back to you on that.

m_iris-apfelSpeaking of fashion, Iris Apfel is fascinating.  Google her.  Or watch the documentary about her on Netflix.  Iris is in her 90’s and still going strong.  She is a former interior designer and a fashion and accessories icon in NYC.    I love that she wears things she collects.  And she collects beautiful things.  Now, they are never things I would buy but in her hands, they are beautiful.  She is fearless.

Her apartment looks the same way she dresses.  It is a collection of things she loves, picked up on her travels throughout the world and on local shopping trips.  She has a life-size wooden ostrich that holds liquor in an area under one of the wings.  On top of the ostrich sits Kermit the Frog.  Just fun.  And so many memories for her.

I want to be fearless like Iris.  In my own way.  To travel.  To collect things I love.  To live life surrounded by art and inspiration until the very end of my life.

m_carrie-fisher-los-angeles-home-1Carrie Fisher was always someone who intrigued me.  The daughter of Hollywood royalty, she had a troubled early life.  She dealt with drugs and mental health issues but managed to find a way to inspire others through her strong female characters, the way she wrote about her life, and her “I don’t give a shit” attitude.  Carrie did what she wanted, she said what she wanted, and her honesty was provocative yet humbling.

I recently saw the documentary on Carrie and Debbie Reynolds called “Bright Lights” and it made me love her even more.  I delighted in the relationship between Carrie and Debbie that had developed over the years in spite of their differences.  Carrie’s style in her home – collections of things she loved, things that were given to her, things that made her laugh – just clicked with me.  Nothing really went together but it all did.  She was who she was.  And didn’t try to be anyone else.  And she was great!

m_edna-lewisMy newest fascination is Edna Lewis.  You may never have heard of Edna Lewis unless you are a Foodie, and even then, maybe not.  But you owe it to yourself to learn about this talented woman.

Edna was born in Virginia, moved as a young woman to NYC where she worked as a seamstress, a cook, and eventually became a chef, known for her Southern cooking.  I think Edna’s cookbook, A Taste of Country Cooking, pretty much defines her with the focus on seasonal menus, simple preparation and flavors, and the “feeling” of those who cook in the South with stories from the time she was growing up.  I come from a long line of Southern cooks and I know those feelings – the tradition of the family and friends gathering around your table, the smell of honeysuckle and apple trees, brushing the earth off  your vegetables that just came out of the garden, picking plump blackberries off the bushes on the side of the road.  It’s been a really long time since I have done some of those things but I remember.  It was a simpler time.   Simple, fresh food tasted good and her cookbook reminded me of that.

And she did it at a time when chefs were white men, mostly focused on French cooking.  She wore her colorful, African inspired garments and she cooked simple, fresh, the way she had learned growing up.  She did it her way.

These women are very different but they all have one thing in common.  They did things their way.  They lived authentically.  That’s inspirational.  I think a lot of people, very often women, spend a lot of years trying to be someone that others think they should be.  That’s normal but you eventually break free.  At some point, whether it’s at age 45 when your kids are grown, or 50 when you have a grandchild, or turning 56 when you realize you are on the downhill side of that second 1/3 portion of your life, you learn to not care so much and you become YOU.  How liberating is that?